Sunday, October 9, 2011

Things you don't say to single people. (Atleast not this single person)

In my 31 years of being single I have had some really stupid things said to me.  I know most people mean well and I really don't want to offend anyone.  A lot of times the people trying to give advice haven't been in my situation so they really don't understand what they are saying.  Maybe this will help someone think before they speak.

1.  Well you're just being too picky.   This comment is wrong on so many levels.  Hell yes I am being picky!  I plan to be with him for eternity so I am going to like him.  Lowering my standards just to be married.........not an option.  There are things worse than being single.  From the words of a former stake president of mine (who is now an area authority) "You can be a lot happier single than married to the wrong person."  I will stay single before I am going to marry someone who abuses me or has any other number of issues some men have nowadays.  If you think I am choosing not to date someone because his ears are too big then you don't know me well enough to make this comment.  I don't turn down blind dates.  Guys that are divorced, have children and that are younger than me are not deal breakers.  At my little brother's wedding someone said to me, "you would be married to if you didn't expect him to be perfect."  That person had no idea what my dating life has been like.  I have found several men I would have happily married but they chose not to be with me (which in the long run was a blessing). Don't say things like that to people, especially if you have no idea what their relationships have been like. 
2.  He just needs a good girl.  You know what? I am a good girl and I have tried hard my whole life to be a good girl. I want an equal not a project.   I do not want to date someone to try to help them change.  Nobody is going to change unless they really want to.  Why don't I deserve someone that is already a good person?  I realize that everyone has their struggles and I am far from perfect but I just don't want to be set up with someone because I could "help" them become active in the church again (or whatever the case my be).   It reminds me of a time when a woman wanted to set me up with her son who had recently gotten out of prison.  The reason he was in prison you ask.....attempted rape of his mother!  I just wanted to climb in her brain for a second and see what made her think it was okay to set me up with him. 
3. I know a single guy.  He's single and your single.  Really?  That is not enough in common.  I really don't turn down many blind dates but I would like there to be more reason than that for you to set me up.  I have had some really bad blind dates and it make me wonder what the person setting me up thinks about me. Oh well, good stories for later.  
4. You're sick of dating? That how I got right before I met my spouse.  Well thank you but the first time I remember hearing that was probably seven years ago and I have been sick of dating this whole time.  This one also goes along with if you chop off your hair, buy a new car, get called to be the RS pres of your singles ward or finding him when you least expect it.  I've chopped off my hair five times since I got out of beauty school.  I have bought three new cars.  I was the RS president 8 years ago, and how do you least expect it in a church where family is so important and people are constantly asking you if you are dating someone?  Which brings me to....
5. Are you dating anyone? I don't hate this question as much as some of the others but it kind of depends on who it comes from.  If you don't know me that well, don't ask me that.  If you are just trying to get some gossip, don't ask me that.  If you are someone that I  know cares about me and is good at listening to my dating woes then it is okay.  Besides, if I was dating someone and wanted you to know, I would tell you. 
6.  Have you tried online?  Wow!  I have never thought of that.  I am so glad you brought that to my mind. (read that again with a very sarcastic voice because that is how I wrote it)  No I haven't tried online.  I know it works for some people but I have heard way more horror stories than good ones.  Here is a quote from Dallin H Oaks of the quorum of the twelve apostles:  "My single brothers and sisters, follow the simple dating pattern and you don’t need to do your looking through Internet chat rooms or dating services—two alternatives that can be very dangerous or at least unnecessary or ineffective."
7. If it doesn't happen in this life.... I know people say this to comfort but all I think about is....Well if I live until I am 90 I have 60 more years to be alone.  You really think that is comforting?  This one kind of goes with....Well look at Sheri Dew.  Sheri Dew is an amazing lady but I have no desire to be her.  In fact she came to town and spoke to the Relief Society women of this area and she is not happy about being single either.  I don't know that I would be able to have as good of an attitude as she does if I stay single that long.  I am not as strong as her.
8. So and so isn't married either.  When this is said to me I think two things.  One is that there are obvious reasons why that person in not married and you just compared me to them.  Or I think.......she is a beautiful, amazing person, if she can't get married what makes me think I can.  I do like hearing about the people who got married in their 30's or older.  That makes me feel like there is still hope.

I have been writing this blog post in my head for months now and I knew I had to get it out.  Like I said before, I know people mean well and I don't want to offend anyone.  I just thought I would give you a glimpse into my head when certain things are said to me.
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